More than Meets the ‘I’: Is what is Seen or Unseen More Important?

What is love?

What does it look like?

Is it when a man walks up on a stage and slaps another man in front of millions to protect the dignity of his wife?

Or is it in a fairy-tale ending where two actors, who met on the set of a blockbuster success K-drama series, actually gets married in real life?

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. Before that, we had dated as a couple for almost 10 years.

And over these 22 years, my understanding of romantic love has shifted from one based on external expressions to the nuances found within these interactions.

As our relationship progressed and grew deeper with each other, I realized increasingly that love is found more in the nuances than in the base actions themselves. (nuances: a quality of something that is not easy to notice but may be important.)

A Husband’s Nuances for His Wife

Love is in understanding that although my wife’s strongest love language, by far, is quality time; she receives that attention and affection best when there are no dirty dishes in the sink, or laundry sitting in the washing machine, and when the floor doesn’t feel sticky to walk on.

Love is realizing that while she has a checklist of tasks in her head, she does not appreciate me asking her for a walk in the ‘padang’ (field) next to our home, where we can enjoy long chats and whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears while our fingers gently interlock together.

Love is quietly clearing all these tasks that lie in her mind unsaid while she is out for a work appointment one day. Then when she gets home and feels her heart explode with joy, telling her that you have a candlelight dinner planned at a restaurant with her. Love is sensing that she wouldn’t have enjoyed that dinner without the pre-requisite actions.

A Wife’s Nuances for Her Husband

What else does love look like in the nuances?

Love is in the way my wife looks at me with trust and support even when I’m making the wrong decision sometimes. It’s in the way she allows me to make the wrong choice and then has the patience to believe that God will speak to my conscience strongly enough that I’ll come around without her nagging or scolding me.

And when there are times, I don’t ‘come around’ to the self-awareness and humility to change my stance or decision, I’ve seen my wife hold back her judgment for that instance and choose the path of grace instead of confrontation.

This seems counter-intuitive because how can a husband learn from his mistakes if you don’t point it out? But in our marriage, it has done wonders because I catch and see how much she believes in me and chooses to see the best in me, even when I can’t see it myself, and I feel compelled to live up to her love, every single day.

There are few things more impactful which has helped me to become a better man over time than the way my wife looks at me and believes in me, even when I’m in the wrong.

Especially, when I’m in the wrong.

The Way Nuances of Love are Received

One final example, and this one involves my children.

Very recently, I came to a profound realization relating to the nuances of love which speak to my three daughters. I had the absolute privilege to go out with each of them on one-to-one father-daughter dates the past month. Right after, God dropped a thought into my heart that completely rocked my understanding of how to love as a father.

This is what I heard.

“Roger, when you spend quality time with your family, your daughters receive the message, ‘You are loved because of who I am. No matter what, I will love you because I am your father.’

When you spend quality time with them one to one, they receive the message, ‘You are loved because of who you are. You are unique and precious, and such a cherished gift as a daughter to me.’

Roger, your daughters need to hear both messages clearly as they grow up.”

The nuance here is that my daughters need to know they are loved because of who I am as a father and because of who they are as individuals.

Conclusion

The love between a husband and wife is not transactional or formulaic. It is not rooted in an action in that moment. It is built upon layers and layers of seeing how each other have reacted in similar situations and patterns, countless conversations to understand the heartbeat and intent behind each action, and years upon years of developing trust in knowing that we are on the same team and have each other’s backs.

Always. Every time. In every season.

Always protecting. Always trusting. Always hoping. And always persevering.

It is in the nuances that selfless love can express itself best. Beneath the surface. Hidden behind each action.

When we can bring the best of ourselves into these nuances, then we begin to catch a glimpse of the meaning behind the famous quote we often hear in wedding ceremonies:

“Love never fails.”